Can You Really Let Go Of Your Huge Internal Struggle?
When I was in graduate school for psychology, we had a fellow student by the name of Allan who was running a successful clinical practice and had joined our program to improve his credentials. He had a remarkable track record of successful case histories. One day, in a casual conversation during a classroom break, Cindy, a student, asked him what the single biggest reason people did not improve after counseling. What he said made the three of us in this little huddle near the coffee machine pay attention. "The single reason people do not change their lives for the better is not because they don't know what to do or how to do it to change, "said Allan, speaking slowly, thoughtfully. "Clients reach a point when they have all the information that they need to change in an instant. However, they don't change because they think they're feelings about the situation their dealing with is true." "What do you mean?" asked Richard, who was listening in. "Aren't we in the business of teaching people how to express feelings? When you face your feelings, you begin the process of healing states of low self-esteem." "Real life is more complex than what we learn here in school," said Allan. "Yes, repressing feelings and articulating them and raising self-esteem do effect positive change, but sometimes the feelings themselves are the problem." "I'm not following you," confessed Richard, frowning. "People often respond to their feelings, not their thoughts about the situation that is upsetting them. They never question these feelings. They assume their feelings are making an accurate statement about reality." "You mean they mis-feel," I interjected, suddenly grasping his subtle point. Allan smiled. "Yes, exactly. Just as you can mis-think something, or mis-perceive something, and later on, given more information, realize that you had jumped to the wrong conclusion or had fallen under some kind of optical illusion, like a mirage, for example, you can similarly mis-feel." "So," said Cindy, "while people are open to correct their cognition about something, they don't even think to question their feelings about something." "And," reflected Richard, "They are so completely locked into a huge internal struggle that goes on day after day, year after year, that they never doubt that what they feel is how things really are. Thus, their problem, whatever it is, becomes chronic." Allan nodded. "Feelings are reactions to events. They are not necessarily true statements about events. They are interpretations. These feelings, over time, become hard-wired chemically into the nervous system so that a person can't look beyond them. It doesn't matter what you say to them, they are only listening to their feelings." "How do they make the shift, then, to a more adaptable way of coping with their problems?" I asked. "First," said Allan, "they have to become aware of what they're feeling. The feelings are so quick and so spontaneous that they are taken for granted and not even noticed. Someone in anger, for example, is fully aware of what irritates him, but may not even be aware that his feelings of anger are causing him to see something as irritating. He does not notice his anger-although, of course, it is obvious to everyone else. He is focused on the problem and not the sensations that arise within him to make him believe that he is confronting a problem." "When you are able to watch your feelings, you begin to let go of your huge internal struggle," said Richard, fully in tune with Allan by this time. "You are able to transcend the emotion and see it for what it is-feelings that are controlling how you think." "And when you grasp how your feelings are selecting your thoughts, you are able to choose new ways of interpreting your troubling experience," concluded Allan. Resource Box Saleem Rana got his masters in psychotherapy from California Lutheran University, Thousand Oaks, Ca., 15 years ago and now resides in Denver, Colorado. His articles on the internet have inspired over ten thousand people from around the world. Discover how to create a remarkable life Copyright 2005 Saleem Rana. Please feel free to pass this
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Lifes Like that
It is now 5 years since I passed out of college and started working. I
love working. I am not a workaholic but I love working. There is a lot
of pressure in the work we all do. This era is all about speed.
Everything around us moves at the speed of thought. And the wise
guys from the big B-Schools would tell you to be there at the right
time or else you'll loose the next big opportunity. All of us try to
search for the next big opportunity so that we are not left of out in
this race. We travel from place to place in search for that hidden
treasure, success, happiness or whatever one may like to call it.
I have closely interacted with hundreds of people in these years and
one of my favorites activity is studying people and human
behavior. In the beginning I used to get surprised (sometimes even
laugh) when I hear a new kid out of college and starting his life
say that he feels burnt out. But then if you look at it closely, the
kid is right. He is burnt out before he even starts because he is
always expected to perform beyond what his mind and body can take.
There is always this sense of urgency within all of us that usually
keeps us unhappy no matter what we achieve.
I too was in this rat race till my mother taught me the most important
lesson of my life and that is about being in the present and enjoying
every moment of it. Sadly though I had lost my mother by then. I still
remember that day on 18th December 2002 when I was thinking about my
mother in the back of my mind but yet I stayed in the office as
we had this requirement to get the ISDN up in our office. I was scared
that if the leased lines goes down we'll not have an alternative. So I
sat with the providers and did not listen to my heart. As a result by
the time I went to see my mom it was too late. I wish I had followed my
heart instead. That is when I realized that the ISDN
connection had no real significance in my life and yet I gave it an
unwanted priority.
Here are some rules I live by now which I hope would help all of you.
They say that it is best to learn from others mistakes. 6 basic rules
that we must all follow to be happy -
Live in the present -
Most good books on better living talk about being in the present. You cannot
afford to think and live in the past. Neither can you think about the
future all the time. You do not know what would happen in the future.
You do not have control over it. This does not mean that we should not
plan. It just means that we do not need to over stress ourselves
thinking about what would happen in the future.
Let me explain with a simple example. You want to go for a
vacation. You need to plan and buy the tickets in time. But it does not
mean that when you are in the train or aircraft you start running
inside it. You'll not reach any faster than all the other passengers
who are traveling with you.
However, do remember that you must learn from your past and improve
upon
it. The food from Pizza Hut is fattening. This means that it would
remain the same, unless they do some major changes to the way pizzas
are made. So saying that I cannot think about the past and I should
keep going over and over again to Pizza Hut does no make sense.
Also another important point is that you must learn to visualize about
the future. When I was kid our swimming coach used to talk a lot about
the power of visualization. He used to say that if you going for a
competition tomorrow, the previous night one should visualize the
entire event. It goes like this - I
feel light and energetic. The weather is great for swimming. I am going
to get the best place. My start is perfect. I have a perfect dive in
the water. The water is not too hot neither is it too cool. It is just
right for me. My breathing is perfect and my strokes are perfect and
coordinated. I am the winner...
Simulate the same situation when you are facing a client or an ISO
auditor.
Another aspect I'll like to point out here is that some people get into
the urgency because they feel insecure about the future. They think "If
I die my wife or family would face a
lot of problems... " In the process they start taking insurance
policies
left and right, try to buy a house etc.. In many cases they are not
able to keep up with all the liabilities and in that tension many do
really die. One must plan and have a secure future but
never over do anything. Take commitments only when it is possible to
live up to the commitment.
In short it all boils down to one thing. Be happy and live in the
moment. Enjoy every moment of it. Because the present will become the
past tomorrow and you need to cherish it then.
Never have any anger -
There
are times we are unhappy because we have anger against somebody. That
really does not help. All it does is make us sad. In no way does it
effect the person who has angered you. As in my case I was angry with
the providers for having given us a good for nothing ISDN modem. What I
lost in return was a lot more. It is not possible for us to not get
angry because the reason why one gets angry is when things do not work
the way we want it to. When people do not behave the way we want them
to. And this would continue to happen. The best we can do is focus on
something else in such situations. That makes us more relaxed. Also, be
grateful for what you have and do not think about what you do not have.
There are many in this world who are less
fortunate than we are.
Never have an ego -Most of us have a big ego which makes us all worse than what we think we are. We
are nobody to judge another person. We are nobody to justify our
actions on others because of what they did to us. In most cases when we
do something against a person it would due to some false ego we have
inside us. "How could he do this to
me. I'll show him who I am".... Like I said a little while ago.
I am nobody. If somebody treats you bad it is his fault and there no
need for you to teach him a lesson. He needs to have self realization
about it. Most of our epics is about teaching a lesson to the other
person. I remember as a kid watching Mahabharat and Ramayana on TV,
most of times somebody would be testing somebody else's ego.
When I do talk about ego, I feel it is necessary to talk about self esteem
too..
Both these are very different. We all must have a level of self esteem
and dignity. But we must not allow somebody else to treat us as a door
mat. If you do not
like what the other person did to you. Cut off the relation or
remove the expectations.
Take pride in who you are
-
You Need To Start To Like Yourself
If you have a very low self esteem or a lack of self-confidence you may be seeking help to gain extra confidence.
The ABCs Of A Great Life: J Is For Joviality
Laughter, humor, a lighthearted sense of being - all of these are an important part of a well-balanced breakfast, er, life. Without humor, there is no hope. Without laughter, no love. And with a heavy heart, we live only a life of sadness and despair. Our ability to laugh at our foibles and laugh with our friends is a key indicator for predicting how readily we'll bounce back from difficulties and how well we'll handle the curveballs that life throws our way, and a quick smile is always the best defense in a situation that's hit a sour note.
Happiness is Yours for the Taking
Happiness. The pursuit of so many. In fact, we are known in America as those who live for "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.'
Happiness Is Truly M.A.G.I.C.A.L. (TM)
The year is almost half over. Many of us are taking the time to reflect, to imagine new dreams and to revise our goals. Yet, as we engage in these activities, the shadows of unachieved goals and failed dreams continue to follow us.
Inner Peace
Are you content and at inner peace?
Growing Up Backwards
It seems like I set out in this life to do things my own way and in my own time - no matter what was wise or prudent or tried, tested and true. And, regardless of the advice I give my own daughters, I continue to 'grow up backwards.'
About Happiness and Fulfillment
During a FULFILLMENT seminar, at the University of Arizona for the Affiliated Women's Clubs, a charming and successful woman unintentionally made our point about success, satisfaction and happiness. Catherine Hendricks spoke about several major problems that are caused by living too secular a life-style in this period of swift, destabilizing and often disconcerting change. Catherine lamented;
Joy Is Sexy
Joy is sexy because in embracing our joy, we embrace our positive energy and power. Joy is always there, waiting to be reclaimed. It is the bridge between living life by default and embracing life by positive design. Get sexy this week and remember that no one can tell us what to think or feel. Events and other people cannot steal our access to personal joy unless we decide to give up our personal power.
Norman Rockwell ? The Man Who Created His Own Reality
In preparation for a class I taught today, I spent some time this week studying the life and works of American artist Norman Rockwell. His idealistic paintings, portraying the innocence of a simpler time, were featured for decades in publications such as The Saturday Evening Post and Boy's Life. They were and still are beloved by millions. His critics in the art world, however, are many and outspoken.
Top 25 Happiness Quotations
A Surefire Way To Manage Your Fears While Leading A Happier, Healthier Life
Imagine discovering a way to get rid of your fears in a
quick and painless manner. In fact it can even become fun!
Divining Your Karmic Number
Your karmic number interpretation tells you what you need to do in order to correct your actions from previous lives. It can also help provide invaluable instruction as to what to do so that you can reap the rewards of the seeds that you sow in this life.
Spiritual and Sexual Healing
Couple issues such as spirituality and sexuality rank higher than financial reasons as the most affected items of a fumbling relationship. When it comes the moment to point out why a couple needs more intimate vigor, two wrongly things are sure to happen: Women are always blamed, and if both recognize that it's a male matter, also women blame themselves. Their consequent silent follows a behavior that will never end the cycle if there is no communication and willingness to solve it.
10 Fun Ways To Live An Enchanted Life Today!
I am often asked how I can live the way I do. Who pays me to be a real-life Merlin? It's not as if you can open the paper and read a want Ad for such a position. I live an enchanted life because I created it that way. Using the principles taught to me by the fey and my own stubborn refusal do anything else. You can too...
Happiness - Work Now or Later?
Long-term success and happiness follows hand-in-hand with
strength of character.
Choose To Integrate Body, Mind, & Soul
Our bodies were made in such a way that everything is integrated. The
mind appears to control everything. When something happens to the
body whether good or bad, it registers in the brain and the brain then
dictates the bodies response. Scientists has found that it also works
that way within the body. Biofeedback has shown that the mind can
direct the immune system to fight various infections in the body includ-
ing the dreaded strains of cancer. For the average person this is a
wonderful idea, but biofeedback costs money and besides not
everyone has a life threatening problem. Imagine being able to do this
for yourself in the comfort of your own home, office or anywhere else
you can go to be alone for a few minutes! There are another kind of
science that is telling us that the body listens when we talk. Think
about that for a minute. When we talk we are saying what the mind is
thinking; we are just saying it outloud. So, it follows we can do our
own biofeedback anywhere we want. A very simple illustration of this
will prove this to you. Hold your arms out in front of you extending
your two index fingers. Shut your eyes and repeat our loud, "fingers
come together". Think it and say it and within two minutes your fingers
do come together. When I first tried this it was very exciting to me
that it worked because for me it opened possibilities in my mind! Since
then I have become a talker to myself! A self whisperer if you will. I
talk to my body and to my sub conscious even and I have gotten
amazing results. This is one thing that I think will work for everyone
because this is one of the functions of the body, mind and soul that
was part of the design, just as blood running through everyone's body
is the same. But, you must have an open mind! Your mind accepts
that blood runs through the body in a specific manner and so it must
accept that the body, mind and soul will listen when it is spoken to, no
matter who is speaking, yourself or someone else.
5 Keys to Understanding Why Your Life (probably) Sucks! #3
The outcome of Reason # 2 is that you become your own
worst enemy. That, in turn, leads on to Reason # 3 where
Increase Your Happiness - Look Forward With Hindsight
Six months ago you had trouble finding your keys and were late for work. At the time, you felt agitated and upset. Chances are, you don't even remember the incident. Last year, at a business lunch, you spilled salad dressing on your shirt. You were so embarrassed when it happened but now you can just laugh at the whole episode.
What Is Happiness?
What is it that everyone is seeking? Happiness with no sorrow. A continuous happiness with no taint whatsoever of sorrow.~Lester Levenson
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